A Process Approach to Fatherhood

Project management for dads

I am a process guy — a trained and certified Project Manager who likes structure and process. And while that works professionally, I sometimes forget that life, especially as a dad to twin 23 year olds, is not always as clear cut and organized. Earlier this summer, I went to a barbecue, where an impromptu basketball game started. While it may have seemed like innocent fun, it actually opened my eyes to how each of my kids – one boy and one girl – respond to sports and competition.

Sophie, my daughter, seems to find competition – usually basketball related – wherever she goes. On the court that day she put on her usual display of basketball prowess, seeking to prove to her male classmates that, indeed, girls got game. Her twin brother, however, stood quietly at the other end of the court practicing with me. No muss, no fuss. Just the two of us shooting foul shots. So while Sophie was participating in 3-point shooting competitions, Jacob stayed with me, seemingly aware of his skills and limits.

Honestly, Sophie amazed the organizer as she landed 5 of her first 6 three-pointers. He smiled and shook his head. Her classmate’s dad began teasing her about her toes being over the line. It made no real impression. Back to work, two more spots to shoot from, four more shots. Focused, driven, fluid and quick. She missed the last four but she didn’t mind – she had once again stood up for gender equality and proven to her male counterparts that height (she has little to spare) or appearance (generally slight) should not be underestimated.

We seem to hear this story a lot as Sophie recounts her events of the day in gym and recess. Will these boys ever learn? She wants to prove the boys wrong and show them that girls can do anything if they too master the process. Set your feet, balance, follow through. Over and over and over until it just becomes natural. Even when she is having a tough shooting game her coach tells her to keep shooting – “they will eventually go in” – because the process works. Set your feet, balance, follow through.

Jacob, who may be less skilled and confident in his skills, is bold in his own way. I understand his plight a whole lot more than I do Sophie’s. That day on the court a crowd (okay, maybe 6 or 8 people) gathered around as Jacob took his shots. He missed the first five. Undeterred, he bounced the ball and prepared for another. I prepared for him to miss and moved in to assuage his disappointment. He took aim and launched his last shot. Bounce, bounce on the rim and dropped straight through. He let out a whoop and so did I (mine was inside as relief poured in) with his accomplishment. It’s hard for a guy to deal with a sister like Sophie, let alone a twin sister, where it all comes so naturally and her skills are so easily acclaimed. Yet at least for that moment, he had game too.

We hear a lot these days about kids needing more unstructured play time like I had when I was a kid when the neighborhood was my playground. I have come to believe that what our kids really need is structure, support and preparation in order to blossom and succeed. They need a framework within which they can explore and experiment, the support of a family to help them grow, and the skills to prepare them for life’s challenges. Basketball may fade into the background as a hobby for Sophie and Jacob but they have learned some important skills along the way.

Set your feet, balance and follow through!!